‘Tis the Season to be Germy


Today is the 19th of December and also marks what is commonly known in many a UK town and city as “Black Friday”. Decades ago, when swathes of England had a workforce dominated by factories, the last Friday before Christmas called for an en masse half workday followed by an en masse drinking session. Old folk reminisce of these glory days, telling tales of festive camaraderie that took place in traditional pubs that closed at 11pm. Parts of this tradition are still withheld. The drinking starts as early as possible, but many don‘t work in factories and finish at different times. . Everybody drinks way more booze than they normally would, with less food lining their stomachs and for way more hours. 11pm marks not the end of the night, as in previous decades, but merely the mid point in a very long, very poisonous, very tinsel littered session.
I am pretty certain that if I were not currently snot ridden and ill, I would be avoiding he city centre, or any busy bars altogether today. Don’t get me wrong, I love to go out and socialise, but when five times as many people as normal, who are fives times more drunk than normal are crammed into every bar it takes five times longer to be served and you have to shout five times louder than your comfortable speaking voice to be heard and it all becomes a chore.
It was over a week ago that I first displayed the usual snotty, chesty, feverish symptoms and just assumed it would be a typical three or four dayer. A combination of extra shifts at work, increased social opportunities, panicking around the crowded shops for unknown presents for unknown recipients and the fact that people are everywhere, hugging, kissing, eating, drinking, coughing and sneezing is to blame.
A week is too long though. Sleep deprivation caused by breathing difficulty begins to affect my perception of reality. My decongestant nasal spray use has gone from the recommended two squirts a day to two an hour, which only then brings a pitiful three seconds of breathing relief. I call my mum to tearfully tell her that I am dying of AIDS but she seems to think that I am just being silly and recommends I make a nice cup of tea. She also points out that she was just off out and I suddenly realise that my imminent death is getting in the way of her Black Friday celebrations. Before I hang up, she queries me on my remedies and I confess that alongside some disgusting Lemsips, I have been overdosing on nasal spray because it doesn’t work. My mum then urges me to Google “nasal spray overuse” as apparently it is quite common for people to do as I and sniff too much spray in the hope of some sleep, only to develop an adverse reaction, leaving you with exaggerated symptoms of the very kind you were taking it to rid you of in the first place.
My decongestant nasal spray goes straight in the bin. I query my ability to go out after all…maybe nobody would question my wide open mouth breathing and red, sore, runny nose…except, of course, for the odd coke head winking and remarking that they to are enjoying a “White Christmas”.
Truth is though, I feel like turd on toast and the fact that I have not slept in four days has caused me to move through several of the levels of reality required of an apprentice shaman. So, it is highly likely that I would probably say weird things to people, whilst wiping my nose a lot and sneezing. I’ve put the kettle on, so I’ll cheers you with my Lemsip.


ChristmasMakes you Thick


So here we are again. Mid December and that time of year when Western civilisations most garish festival of tat is fast approaching its tinsel induced climax. Don’t get me wrong, there’s an awful lot that I do like about this time of year, but that’s not what I’m here for is it?

Last Christmas I was forced to watch British televisions most inexplicably popular program, the ridiculous and insulting to human kind “Mrs Brown’s Boys”. For the first twenty minutes I managed to politely sit and flick through one of the many recipe books I had received whlst my family were laughing out loud at the “jokes”. This was all to similar to watching children laugh upon hearing new and exciting swear words or talking about poo. The characters were sort of meant to be thick and poor in a way that made people say really, really stupid shit like “Oooh, It’s funny ‘cos it’s real”, when it’s not. More to the point, shellsuits are wrong, nobody wears rollers in their hair all day anymore and why are so many people so chuffed about being thick and poor?

It was as if a five year old had written the script and eventually I blurted this out loud, using words that were way less polite. I did not wish to insult anybody, but I can suppose that I was merely reacting against the insult I felt had been inflicted upon myself when it was assumed that I would find something likened to a nursery rhyme played out over half an hour by bad actors funny. My sister then chose to declare that the problem was simply that I did not like anything and that she and the rest of the family were the fortunate party in their liking of things. She did not say it like that though, she kind of dribbled and went “God, like, just cos we like, like stuff and you, like, don’t”. She, I remind myself internally, is a thirty two year old who has never really been anywhere, by which I mean not a single concert, gig, comedy event, spontaneous anything, basically anything that is not a package holiday or pre planned night out because it is somebody’s milestone birthday. She has a book shelf in her lounge that has three out-dated Yellow Pages on it and nothing else. She puts her Christmas tree up on November 1st because that is the only time of year when there is ever any colour or decoration in her home. I am also pretty sure that the only music she ever listens to is Christmas music, which further explains the haste to get the tree up…I bet her very soul is just desperate for some sensory input after the whole January to October cultural vacuum. I thought about hitting back, but she would have totally ignored me and carried on playing Candy Crush Saga on Facebook with her phone.